• facebook-square


September 26, 2018

Performance 1


I have annotated my score by the amount of laughter received at each part (xxxx)


I just recently performed at my first open mic in front of a crowd of strangers- It pretty much just like talking to other Quest students except if you replaced every comment about someone’s vegan diet with blatant misogyny. xxx I never thought I would be praying for someone to just tell me about their flax egg substitute. xxxx

I was trying to think of what to talk to all of you about, so I was like obviously whats the funniest thing of all?

Not pedophelia get your head out of the gutter. xx

Love, obviously. Trying to meet people in Squamish is hard 


for reference if here on the spectrum is looking down on me for diminishing the purity of my espresso with the devils elixir aka milk xxxx and here is putting ketchup on your mac and cheese xx and here is committing murder xxxx, I’m looking for someone right here. Who has had a little more crotch action than just a harness in the past 3 years. xxxxx So basically that leaves 4 people- two of them worked at cactus club. One of them I think was working cash the other day at shoppers when I bought vegan mayonnaise and self lubrication ointment coincidentally in the same purchase. xx


So basically there is one person out there for me. This was my thought process when I downloaded tinder except I realized I didn’t know how to talk to anyone. I looked back through my messages and realized every time I tried to initiate a conversation it would say something like , “so Mathew what’s it feel like to be an Irish boy?” xxx But if they messaged me it would always be like “ hey how’s it going? to which I responded in the only way I could think of. how's it going? 



by going i assume you refer to the perpetual movement and expansion of our singular and collective minds as we draw from and in turn replenish the collective thought economy- although I suppose you could argue that this amalgamation of insight is so intrinsic that our steady state of change nears a constant in which going is void of direction, only stagnantly hanging in the abyss of ultimate human paradox. what about you? xx


nm just chilling. xx


online dating is so WEIRD though you have to put yourself out there in such a vulnerable way. it's like gym class in high school praying not be picked last all to dress down for a sweaty hour of ball play. xxxx  wow. i guess really there are no differences at all. maybe i'll open up my search to 15 year olds and start again. i guess one point for everyone who thought of pedophelia initially. Let’s pray there’s never context for that sentence to be repeated. xxx


if only dating was as easy as going to the grocery store and sticking everything you wanted in a shopping cart. Actually that’s not easy at all.

Put a chiseled jaw line in the cart xxx, charisma in bulk xxxx.


you know how what you get at the grocery store depends so much on your mood. sometimes you go in feeling all yeah treat yourself and somehow emerge with a sheet cake and a full set of wine glasses xxx

or if you go the day you feel inspired to start your new health kick and end up back at home with nothing but spiralina tablets, credit card debt and activated charcoal pillow spray xxx


As you can tell I’m not super picky. My roommates however are real top chefs. I mean make your own granola chefs, I mean bake your own sourdough from the yeast of Queen Elizabeth’s vagina next level culinary masters. xxxx


Dan and Elsa would blush out of joy if they heard that xxx

I've set a boundary with them months ago that they are not allowed to give me requests from the grocery store. I'm more than happy to chip in for group meals but the specificity of the products they want is invisible to me. 


me trying to find Okinawa steel pressed almond meal is like trying to illuminate the importance of gun control to your right wing uncle- you try and try but eventually realize he's just blind to it. xxx


or trying to teach a man to find a clitoris on his own xxxx


suddenly it's like the worlds best kept secret you might as well give up and take a romantic getaway to Atlantis instead- xxx


usually they respect my boundaries but yesterday I was at the grocery store and received a frantic text from Elsa that she had an emergency deficit of cholo negro

cholo negro? xx

I'm using my low level Spanish to try and decipher what family this could even be in and finally asked some kid working at the store praying that it wasn't some kind of racial slur xxx

Everyone's laughing at me because I look like the kind of person to buy on brand fruit loops on a good day, not whatever the fuck cholo negro might me. xxx


This is the part where you give up and decide to just finish yourself off.  


Finally I look back at the message- it’s not pronounced cholo negro, its cavolo nero. and it’s just kale plain old kale xxxxxx



Atlantis has been found


and ironically it was a 13 year old kid that showed me the way. 2 points xxx


Open Mic 2:


so i'm kind of new to this whole comedy thing

like a virgin except touched for the second time

which is less sexy maybe because it's impossible

i guess i'm at that place where you're 15 and you've only had kind of weird and awkward sex but you know it has to get better than this right?

or else why would so many people write songs about 5 minutes of trying to figure out how your own parts work?

if this is it then when they say sexual healing that's like the equivalent of a bandaid

but not even the on brand ones those off brand ones that the school nurse would always give to you and then fall off half way and just flop around like a flaccid dick foreshadowing what's coming in those teenage years

or like you know christina aguilera sex for breakfast? if this is all it's cracked up to be i'd rather just have a bagel thank you. like if me and christina are talking about the same sex here i'd take gluten free millet flakes (something about lasting longer, milk?) what do cereal and penis have in common- actually a lot of things


your mom probably taught you to be picky about which ones you choose

 get soggy if you don't eat them fast enough

it's all about the ratio to milk



you probably learn about healthy consumption in grade 9 health class


they taste better with a little sugar on top

there are no language barriers to milk and cereal



gets stale if you leave the box open

some people like it with raisins 

it's cheaper if you buy it in wholesale


if you're still picturing a dick i don't know what fucked up mental image you've created those were just facts about cereal


basically i think what i'm trying to say is i'm new to this but not new enough for cute pity laughs just practiced enough to make everyone a bit uncomfortable with obscure long hard drawn  fallic metaphors


i've found the hardest part of comedy is thinking of things that are funny

 that seems obvious but suddenly once you try to come up with a set even things like politics and erectile disfunction are somehow serious

i came home and my roommate showed me his state of the art cheese grater he ordered on line, this artfully designed razor sharp kitchen toy strong enough to grate a nokia and a climber boy's ego in one single stroke- don't ask me about the logistics of that one. like i'm talking bonafide triple crested aluminum microplane ribbon  grater that he got flown across the world to regulate the consistency or his asiago toast garnish -couldn't smile 

i told him this and he stopped me to correct me that it was a microplane ribbon PRO

what i realized i just have to do in canada though is just say winnipeg and everyone laughs

i'm american i still don't really get it but it seems to work every time 

sometimes if i'm telling a story that's not really going over well i just end it with and then i found out- he's from winnipeg! 

suddenly everyone thinks they get it


another thing i can't figure out is your signage here- everything is phrased so passively

instead of signs saying don't feed the birds you guys just put up feeding birds is hazardous to their health

yeah ok but i don't think everyone came out to granville island for the purpose of bird conservation 

actually you would think that but after seeing all the tourists taking pictures with them on their heads i'm not sure anymore

i wouldn't even be surprised if pretty soon instead of speed limit signs there are just warnings along the road


going above 60 km an hour does. or comply with the national road safety standards


diving in shallow water may result in death


instead of stop signs going may result in fatality




-don't smoke- smoking kills 



instead of construction do not enter


i was in south america and on the junk food packaging they have these labels in the shape of stop signs that say high calorie

in canada they do the same thing but without words and draw it like a cartoon


sometimes though you just have to tell the people what to do- it's 2018 our ozone layer is deteriorating by the minute we've xxx and trumps in the white house and bell bottom jeans are making a comeback. we don't have time for subliminal messaging. in america if you feed the birds we just shoot you. seems to send a message. 


to all you guys before me complaining about your love lives i feel you i was just ghosted by a boy not that long ago and i was trying to think about why they call it ghosting


is it because of the pale translucent hearts or the maturity of a six year old trying to be someone he's not or is it because he has no apparent interest in interacting outside the bedsheets


he was a canadian boy too- should have had a label like dating may result in prolonged silence


then i found out- he was from winnipeg!






Final Performance:


So throughout the course of this block I have realized some things

-performed at 2 open mic in Vancouver which is just like talking to kids at quest just replace everytime someone brings up their vegan diet with blatant mysogeny


name the three things 


  1. You have to relate to your audience, find common ground

when i first started i w self deprecating sex humor

Now in most spheres of strangers that consists of making long drawn out cold hard phallic metaphors because that’s the most guaranteed common ground, something everyone can relate to


What I found works consistently in Canada is Winnipeg-

Performed at an open mic


At quest replace that with black Katz and it pretty much has the same effect


1.Everything is just like everything else 


A lot of comedy relies on metaphor- connecting things that otherwise haven’t been connected kind of like when you find out all of your roommates have slept with the same person at one point


Even the most mundane objects have a striking amount of commonalities

  • What does having roommates and taking a shower have in common?

  • Influence you to smell better

  • At quest its a low pressure environment

  • Leaving can be cold and painful

  • Forces you to come to terms with intimate parts of yourself


Or lets extend it what about completely disconnected things like a penis and milk and cereal?

-your mom probably taught you how to be a little picky which one you choose

-Gets soggy if you don’t eat it fast enough

-all about the ratio to milk

-probably learned about healthy consumption in your grade 9 health class

The list goes on!


A comedy show and a carpet?

-probably a little distasteful

-if you lose your place you’re gonna get burned real bad

-necessities of a cruise line

-used as platforms to release sexual frustration despite obviously more appropriate choices


Everything is everything!


questioning  verything destroys love

3.Its made me reflect on my love life- forces you to dig deep within yourself

-that one wasn’t even a sexual reference see now you guys are just programmed to find sexual innuendos everywhere its like middle school all over again


I realized that quest has ruined the way I interact with people


How’s it going?

By going I assume you refer to the 

perpetual movement an expansion


what's up?

i can only assume that up is a strategic underplay of your systematically perpetuated male privilege and your wording is just a facade of a holding ground to make me feel respected for sharing 10 of the billions of words that have been ripped from women's mouths since the eternity of time


you look nice

nice as in an arbitrary asymptote between words with meaning and the noise you make when you're choking

let's get a little more refined with our adjectives here


so to sum things up

  1. you gotta find common ground with your audience

  2. everything is everything

  3. quest eliminates desired romance to an infantecimal margin of possibility for verbal connection through the revelation of arguably intrinsic capacity for overly floral verbage 


but hey even though we're screwed for love

at least we don't have black katz anymore 

i'm off to winnipeg


(CLO 1,2,3,4,5)



Share on Facebook
Share on Twitter
Please reload

Featured Posts

Setting the Scene

September 24, 2018

Please reload

Recent Posts

September 26, 2018

September 26, 2018

September 26, 2018

September 24, 2018

September 24, 2018

September 24, 2018

September 24, 2018

September 21, 2018

Please reload

Please reload

Search By Tags

I'm busy working on my blog posts. Watch this space!

Please reload

Follow Us
  • Facebook Basic Square
  • Twitter Basic Square
  • Google+ Basic Square